In “Sex and the City”, the Carrie Bradshaw character would start off each episode with the title for her weekly column (usually in the form of a question, “Jeopardy” style), and that title would introduce the story line for the episode. Following that same format, today’s blog entry is my impressions on how straight men and women congregate differently in their 40’s and beyond, compared to how they acted in their 20’s and early 30’s, and is entitled “Do Men and Women Congregate Differently In Their 40’s and Beyond, Than They Did In Their 20’s and 30’s?”

The reason why I find this topic so interesting, is that I have been in the dating pool for 8 years, after the death of my girlfriend of 24+ years in 2008, and in that period of time I have seen and experienced first-hand some of the road blocks that exist for men and women, at a later age, getting together and forming a lasting relationship with the opposite sex. One of those roadblocks is that as men and women get older, particularly in an urban environment with successful professional men and women, the women seem to be more comfortable congregating among themselves rather than seeking out a man to be with, whereas similar aged and successful men, tend not to congregate together. This is certainly not based on any scientific methodology, but just my general observations and experiences.

From these observations and experiences, it is my impression that men, throughout their lives, and outside of work, traditionally congregate around sports, motor vehicles (cars, motorcycles, etc.), and sporting activities, also with an eye to those activities and locations  (e.g., bars, clubs) where they can meet women. We go to ball games together, play sports together, take road trips, watch the game at bars, and when we talk to each other, there is a good chance sports, cars and meeting women are somewhere in the discussion. In our 20’s and 30’s, many of us were still unmarried, and in good enough shape to get together to do some sports related activity on a weekly basis. And if we traveled together, it typically involved sports, cars and/or some outdoor activity.

So even if we are traveling abroad sightseeing, there was usually some sports or car related activity involved. For me, for example, when I took a trip to Germany, in my 30’s, a male friend of mine, it was to see how fast we could drive on the autobahn, and to visit the car museums of BMW, Mercedes, and Porsche. As an aside — if you are going to visit one car museum in Germany, make it Mercedes museum in Stuttgart, as it is the best car museum in the world, with a collection that is amazing in its longevity and how it captures automotive history.

Women are different, in that they are not so limited in the range of areas and activities in which they interact with each other. So during the week they seem to get together more often, and their time together seems to be more of a social gathering, centered around cultural activities (going to a museum, etc.), going out together for dinner or drinks, or workout activities (exercise classes, yoga), rather than some sporting event or activity. As a result of the different nature of these interactions, women seem to create and sustain a more emotional connection and lasting relationship with each other, than men do through their activities.

What brings me to this discussion, is the difficulty in piercing those bonds, when trying to date women as they get into their 40’s and beyond, since their bonds with other women stay the same or get stronger as they get older, whereas, with men, their group interactions lessen over time. Moreover, the activities of women in their 40’s are similar to their activities in their 20’s and 30’s, whereas men’s activities together lessen as they get older, and are more focused on their wife, girlfriend and/or family, to the exclusion of spending time with their male friends.

So when the wife or girlfriend, are no longer in the picture, due to break-ups, divorce, or death, there is not that existing network of male friends to fall back on for getting together, or if males friends are still around, you are also usually getting together with their wives or girlfriends. Whereas, even when they are in relationships or married, women seem to more connected and active with their girlfriends, so when their marriage or relationship ends, they can more easily fall back and spend time with their girlfriends, even if they are married. This manifests itself in women more regularly meeting together for drinks or dinner after work, and traveling together, whereas single men just do not hang out much together.  The point being my observation that single urban professional women in their 40’s and beyond, who have independent financial means, an existing support system with other women, and who no longer can or want to have kids, just do not have as much incentive to try and start up a new long-term relationship with a guy, given that incumbent disruptions of their lives which comes along in a new relationship. In contrast, men do not have such a support system, yet their emotional well being tends to be enhanced when they are in a relationship, so they end up being more desirous of starting up a relationship, however, due to the mindset of older women, that gets even hard to obtain. I am not passing judgment, just sharing by observations.